The last time I checked, didn't someone wearing my clothing, smoking my cigarettes, sleeping in my bed and bearing a heavily striking resemblance to me say that there was to be NO MORE delays in getting back on track with things, NO MORE unexpected "life surprises", and certainly NOT ONE SINGLE FUCKING MORE CHALLENGE?!?!?!

I could have sworn yes, but apparently, maybe I'm the only one who recalls that because...

I now have yet ANOTHER fucking problem.

And seriously- If anyone, ANYONE, has ever gone through this before and has successfully rid themselves of this problem, please please PLEASE tell me what to do.

From out of nowhere, last week I woke up one morning covered with about 60 mysterious insect bites. These bites were predominantly on my right arm, some on my left arm, and others scattered about my body.

Since that's happened, I've had 2 nights of reprieve. This morning I woke up to fresh, new bites on my FACE, my neck, my knees, MY ASS and my arms.

I now have literally, and I'm not joking or exaggerating whatsoever- Over 100 bites on my entire body.

Gee Doc, sounds like you have bedbugs.

Yeah, I know. That's what I've been wondering and TEARING my bedroom apart at all hours of the night looking for evidence of except...

I have a brand new mattress and box spring that's not even 2 weeks old. My room is still barely even unpacked yet. No one else in the household is getting these bites except me. Not even the cats, and one of them sleeps with me every night. He doesn't seem to be scratching excessively at all.

I have torn my room apart looking for evidence of any kind of insect infestation and have found NOTHING.

I've gone to the extent of trying to sleep with bug repellent on and even that didn't work.

I have now sprayed my radiator, every little crack and opening that I could find in my bedroom that could harbor blood-sucking pests with Raid. In a few hours, I'm going to let off a fogger in my room.

I straight up do not have the money to hire a pest control professional.

Please, if anyone has had this problem and successfully remedied it, please, please, I beg you, tell me how you rid yourself, your home and your life of whatever the fuck it is that has decided I am just so fucking delicious to munch on in my slumber.

And thanks to these asshole bugs or whatever's going on, anything I wanted to fucking accomplish has been put on hold- AGAIN.